October 28, 2007

human, thou art a pickle...

Well, maybe not a pickle, but I wanted to say fickle and that looked bad so I didn't want it in the title :). But that has been on my mind lately and I thought I should share.

As most of you know, last November I went to Namibia, Africa, with the PeaceCorps. And I decided to return home a month later. It was a very difficult decision but it was the right one. However, that left me a huge question on what to do now with my life. I was told that I had to wait a year to reapply for PC service (which was and is very much on my mind and heart)- so I thought, fine, I'll wait. And that is what I've been doing.

But as I have waited I've been thinking and praying about what I should do. Just because I want to reapply for PC doesn't mean I should. And for 11 months, God has been rather quiet on that topic (as well as most others, to be honest). I have been so conflicted in my own soul about going or staying that I finally quit asking for direction and begged God to just make the choice for me- tell me what to do and I would gladly do it.

Then, two weeks ago, the engine on my car seized up (basically, it is dead and not able to be revived). This happening on the tail of hitting the raccoon and the $1000 repairs from that. So all the sudden, I am looking at buying a new car or repairing mine to the tune of $3000- Ouch! As I talked it over with my dad I can to see that either way, the car situation has essentially sealed the decision for me because I can't apply to PC with that amount of debt (and as I'm not working, I am in debt for the repairs...).

So, I should be giddy with delight because God made the decision for me, right? But was that my first response? Of course not. My initial response was, "Couldn't we have done something a little less expensive?" quickly followed by "If not PC, then what on earth am I supposed to do?". And then, I got mad that I felt like PC had been taken off my plate- I still wanted that option. It took me several days to realize that God had done exactly what I had prayed for and I was storming around like an ill-behaved child. Honestly, I sometimes wonder why God puts up with me.

This is a new starting point for me. Now that I know I'm sticking around for at least the next two years or so. I still need more employment (because I have the debt to repay- and I hate being in debt of any kind) and it would be nice to have a clue as to what I should be spending my time doing. I'm trying not to miss life in my search for why I was created- but some days that is difficult. Who knows, maybe God will answer Will's prayer and send me a boyfriend (that child wants me married by my next birthday- but Dara is praying for a bit more time so she can be there). At least Will can rest in knowing I'm not going anywhere for the time.

And with that, I'm off to unpack a few more boxes that I've avoided for the last year in hope. I will try not to be so fickle in the future but please don't hold your breath- I am human after all!

1 comment:

Aimee said...

Thats awesome! Yeah, sometimes I wonder why God puts up with ANY of us!!! :)