I have several posts in the works, but they are all long and thoughtful and not quite coming together. So instead, how about a bit of a ramble?
I've been thinking a lot lately about doubts, specifically about doubting God. Now, I've never doubted God's existence, nor that he created the universe, that he's in charge, that Jesus is his son, and so on. That part has always been easy for me. I've been a Christian now for over twenty years and as far as knowing God is real, that's solid.
I even have full faith that God will take care of my friends, that he knows what is best, and that in the end, things will all be as he dictates they will. But sometimes along the journey I have periods of doubting that God is going to take care of ME. I've seen his provision in the lives of people I know--the check that comes for just the amount of the house payment the day it's due, the bag of groceries left on the doorstep, those sorts of things. I've seen friends get jobs right when they needed them the most, seen barriers to dreams lifted just when they needed to be. Yet when I am in desperate need of such movements from on high, they don't seem to be around.
I try to trust God to be the provider for me--especially since I'm a single woman equipped with skills and talents that don't earn money. I would love to see God's provision in a tangible way every day--I'd be very thankful for it. Yet in times like these, where I am at the end of funds and every possible light at the end of the tunnel is snuffed out before it's bigger than a pinhole, it's hard for me to believe that God is taking care of me.
Amy Grant (stop cringing, I like her) has a song that puts my struggle into words. It asks, "Will you protect what you already own?" God has me; I am his. That's not in doubt. But sometimes I find myself wondering if he's going to protect me now that he has me (I know, in my mind, that he will, it's the heart that trembles when the lights go out). Every time the door slams in my face, every time I feel shoved closer to the edge of the cliff, I wonder if God's going to catch me. And since he does know me, knows my situation, knows my needs, but is silent about it, and he doesn't open doors, I wonder why.
I know he has his reasons--I just, as usual, wish I understood them.
Despite the doubt, I keep holding on. It's all I know to do. Hold on and wait until he does come through.
I'm not really looking for responses here--just figured that I'd put it out there in stark honesty. Thanks for listening to my waverings.