September 9, 2010

a little thing called trust…

I’ve never really been one to trust easily, it just doesn’t come naturally to me. And this translates into my spiritual life and relationship with God. And this makes for some interesting conundrums.

See, I want to trust God, and in my head, the thinking part of me, I do. If I were all brain I’d be all set in this area. But I’m not. I’m at least part heart. And my heart doesn’t listen to logic, it doesn’t listen to much of anything, to be honest. It just reacts and yearns and generally makes trouble for me. And when I come to those points in my life where the only thing I have left is trusting God, well, let’s just say that’s when I want to just crawl in a hole and never come out.

Before you all freak out, let me just say that yes, God has never hung me out to dry. He has seen that I’m provided for, cared for, and has not struck me dead.

And yet I come to points like the one I’m at currently, a point where I am trying to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit, trying to have a willing spirit, being ready to leap off the cliff when the Holy Ghost says “jump”, and I feel like my trust is run over by a Mack truck (yes, possibly one driven my Mickey Mouse, but that’s another song).

The trouble being that in times like these, being a non-truster, I could use a little help, a bone, if you will. But I never seem to get one. Call me silly, but if I were teaching someone to trust, I’d use baby steps. A small trust is answered, and another, and another. Instead, I feel like I try to trust big and get…nothing.

Maybe I dream too big—that I will trust God and He’ll send me a miracle. And far be it from me to disallow such a thing. I thought we couldn’t dream too big for God, and yet I haven’t had a single dream of my life come true. And I try to keep my eyes open for answers in smaller, more subtle ways…and yet, too often I find nothing. Feels a lot like a hot, dry dessert in the middle of day and my water bottle has been empty since dawn.

I should also point out I have a lot of trouble trusting people—I could list for days the times when people broke trust with me: promised jobs, promised friendship, promised anything.

The difference is that once a person breaks my trust, it’s gone. It’s super difficult to get it back (it can be done, but we are talking decades to restore…and that’s come down from never). And since I am at least part mind, and that mind knows that God is good and that He has reason that I can’t begin to fathom, I keep trusting Him, even when I’m afraid it will turn out just like the last five hundred times when things never went forward, never resolved, never got better.

These are the times that I think Moses had it easy—God spoke to him with a loud, clear voice, He sent fire and miracles. I wish sometimes that God would deal with me the same way, because honestly, I could use a strong voice about now, a burning bush to set me straight, to show me the path and just tell me that I haven’t screwed things up so badly in life that it can’t be turned around. Yep, that would be nice.

Guess it’s good that when it comes to God I seem to be a hopeless truster…always willing to try again…

1 comment:

MangyCat said...

I understand your dilemma--sometimes it would certainly be nice to hear God's booming voice, saying that this is the way it will be. How sad that we can't have that, and yet, how wonderful too.

See, it's the blind faith that is the most powerful. You believe and trust, though there is not always basis for it.

I pray for you, my friend, that God speaks clearly to you and gives you the direction you seek in whatever is troubling you. *hugs*