a grief observed...

Pardon me as I borrow a title from Lewis.  It's allowed, titles aren't copyrighted.  Bare with me as I ramble a bit--I'm a writer, I deal with words.  I have to process things with words, even if they don't always come out the way I want them to or expect them to.

Just over two weeks ago, on October 10th, I feel asleep with this thought on my mind: God is under no obligation to explain himself.  It's not a new thought--it's been in and out of my mind this year, especially after re-reading Till We Have Faces (by Lewis).  You see, I'm the one who questions.  I'm the one who wants answers, even more, I demand them.  I can deal with just about anything if there's a good explanation.

But God is under no obligation to explain himself.

And then Thursday happened.

I woke up with the same thought, not giving it much heed, since I often ponder things like that for a long time.

Shortly after I got to work, and after posting that I was praying on a friend's facebook status that I was praying for her nephew (and my dear friend), she asked me for my phone number--then she called.  When she told me that our dear boy didn't make it, there was no way to stop the tears. Grief welled and flooded.  I could not imagine a world without Will.  But he was already gone--already in heaven, already rejoicing.

(Will's smirk--I'm sure his face was a million times brighter when he saw his Jesus face-to-face for the first time on October 11, 2012)

I won't bore you with the details--I'll just tell you that  I work with some very loving people, and they surrounded me immediately.  They took care of me.  They joined me in my grief.  My best friend took the day off work to stay with me.  My sister took care of arranging for us to go to Texas so we could be with the Myers family.  I am very blessed to have such people in my life.

And what kept lingering in the back of my mind was that thought--God is under no obligation to explain himself.

And for perhaps the first time in my life, I didn't ask him to.

Will was one of the most amazing souls I have ever known.  He and I became friends when he as about two--I think our "middle child, creative souls" found kindred spirits in each other.  Plus, I knew all the words to the VeggieTales theme song, and Will loved his VTs.  I had the job of watching him grow, of helping him grow, and of loving him and being loved by him.  I don't wonder a bit at God wanting to bring Will home--sometimes I wonder that God left Will here as long as he did.

No, this time, it was not God that I questioned.  And I saw that in the faces and hearts of those who loved Will the most, we all had a peace about Will's homegoing.  We all grieved, but we all knew without a doubt that Will was where he always wanted to be--with Jesus.  I heard Scott and Shelly both share stories about how they knew in their hearts that it was okay to let Will go.  They released him back to God--they always knew Will was only on loan to them.  I heard how his Sunday School teacher dreamed about Will going to heaven a week before he did.  I heard dear friends reflect that Will had an old soul, and that they always had a feeling he might not be here with us for long.  I saw the grace of God flowing through the lives of those who loved Will the most.

(Scott, Shelly, Jake and Kayla, finding beauty in the ashes, smiles in the tears, as they watch the balloons drift off into the distance)

So for perhaps the first time in my life, I didn't feel a need to question God.  But there was something I couldn't understand--how the world kept going on, and that makes no sense.

(The following was written on October 12th as I sat in a hotel room in Lubbock, TX. This is what I pondered as we drove.)

When we experience profound grief--the sort that stops us in our tracks, we expect the universe to take notice.  Time should stop, the very ground we stand on should shudder.  The world should come to a screeching halt, if even for a moment, to recognize the loss.

But it doesn't.

The universe takes no notice--it is we who stop, we who pause, who falter in our steps because we fell the impact.  Only humanity bothers to reflect, to mourn, to stand up and shout, "This person mattered. They mattered to me. They were here and now they are gone, and I'm going to make sure the world knows who we have lost."

Nature ignores, natures continues on, uncaring, unknowing.

But humans grieve, and we remember, and we are living testimonies of those who have walked beside us.

(End of reflection)

While it still doesn't make sense, this failure of the universe to notice, I am at least glad that I can be a testament to Will's life, to his heart, to his story.  Will always loved story, he knew from the get-go that life is an epic adventure, and you might as well experience it on a grand scale.  I can tell you stories about him that will make you laugh, that will make you cry, and that will point you to Jesus.  If I do nothing else with my life but that, I will consider it a life well-spent.

I miss Will.  For as long as I'm here on earth, I will miss him.  I'm sure I'll learn to live with the ache and the Will-shaped hole in my heart.  And I know that when I pass through that veil and emerge into the next adventure, that Will is going to be there, running towards me, trusting that I'll open my arms and catch him just like I did hundreds of times.  I don't know which of us will be more excited, but it won't matter.

And maybe God, even though he is under no obligation to do so, maybe he will give me a hint of the why.  He might not.  Either way. 

top ten tuesday...

It's that time of the week again...and since I like the topic, I'm going to entertain you with a list :)  The topic is actually pick your own, and I rather like the one Miss Pottenger picked, so I'm going to steal it.  So, without much ado, here are the top ten fictional characters that I'm in love with (fair warning, some will be movie/show characters, because I'm not sure I can pick ten from novels)...

From our friends over at  The Broke and the Bookish--check them out!

10. Doctor Who (Doctor Who)

Yes, I'm a sucker.  Though I'd much rather have the 9th Doctor (played by Eccleston), I wouldn't say no to the 10th (Tennant).  I mean, there's just something about a time-traveling man who is smart and resourceful and quirky.  Plus, he gets into a lot of scrapes, and he always goes back for his companion.  I wouldn't mind spending a while traveling around with him.

9. Jake Green (Jericho)
Another one pulled from the screen--if you haven't seen Jericho, you should.  It's only two seasons.  So sad!  Jake Green (played by Skeet Ulrich) is a Kansas farm boy who has seen the world, done some things he probably shouldn't have, gotten into some trouble, and he loves his mom.  He's got some bad-boy aura, but we know deep down, he's golden.  It doesn't hurt that he is put in peril several times.  Hot boys in peril pretty much snag me all the time.

8. Daniel Jackson (Stargate SG-1)
The last of my strictly screen selections.  How can you not love this nerd?  Especially as he becomes a buff nerd?  I love him in the original movie, and adore him in the show.  Jackson is smart, gentle, but he learns how to fight, and how to stand up to O'Neill.  Plus he is also often in peril.  And I think Michael Shanks playing the part didn't hurt at all.

7. John Watson (Sherlock Holmes, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle)
As I've started reading, I can say that it's not just Martin Freeman's portrayal of this well-known man that I love.  Freeman pulls a lot from the book.  I love his vulnerability.  I love that he's smart, and that he's hurting.  I want to just cuddle up with him in front of the fire.

6. Colonel Brandon (Sense & Sensibility, Jane Austen)
This is one of my least favorite Austen novels, but I just adore Brandon.  Another injured soul who has been through so much.  He's smart, he's traveled, and he is patient.  He is also quite the gentleman, never forcing Marianne to see him, but rather waiting until she is willing to see him.  And Alan Rickman's version is fantastic.

5. Edward Rochester (Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte)
Not the most popular choice, I know, but I can't help it.  He's a bit of a brute, a bit of a tyrant, but he's also very broken.  He thinks himself not worthy of love, yet he dares to hope.  And we all know he's not the best looking of men, but he's rugged.  And I can't help but adore him.  I also want to curl up next to the fire with him.

4. Eomer (Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien)
I know, most people are drooling over Aragon or Firamir, or Legolas (thanks to Jackson's casting of Orlando Bloom :P ), but me, I'm for Eomer.  He's loyal and fierce, and he's lost a lot.  Another wounded soul who needs some love.  And I'd be more than happy to give him some.  Plus, the man can ride a horse.  That's sexy.

3. Captain Wentworth (Persuasion, Jane Austen)
Come on, have you READ this one?  Any man who can write such a letter as Wentworth does to Anne can make me fall in love with him instantly.  And he's a bit broody, a bit stubborn.  He's also a bit blind.  But he comes around, and even though he tries, he can't argue with his heart.

2.Valek (Study Series, Maria V Snyder)
Yes, he's an assassin. He's also amazingly loyal, has a wounded soul, and would do anything to protect his woman.  I melt every time I read about him.  He's not the sort to settle down, but oh, for a man like this, you almost are happy to take what you get, because it is so much more than most people get.

1.  Harry Dresden (Dresden Files, Jim Butcher)
Any surprize?  I adore this wizard.  He's broken, he's bruised.  He can never have a normal life.  But he stands for something, and he fights for it, even when there is nothing left in him to go on with, he manages.  He's flawed, he has a temper, and he's dangerous.  But he needs someone to snuggle with, someone to kiss him and tell him it will all be okay.  And someone to welcome him home after the long nights of fighting all manner of evil.  I'd be happy to be that woman, if only he wasn't fictional.  

And there you have it.  So tell me, which fictional character are YOU in love with?

gone, gone away...

I would just like to say that as of this morning, 20 pounds have been evicted from my body!  They are gone, and they will not be returning.

That is all.

let me count the ways...

that I love my two-yard.

So, what is a two-yard?  Well, it's two-yards (give or take, depending on your size) of fabric.

Why do I love it so much?  Let's see...

A bit of history.  One of my best friends, Dara, spent two years in Ghana as a PeaceCorps volunteer.  When she came back, I noticed that anytime we were chilling at her house, she was wrapped in a beautiful skirt.  Usually she had on comfy pants beneath it.  It seemed wonderful.  So I asked her about it.  She told me it was her "two-yard".  In Ghana, the women wear them (only they call them simply, "cloth". PCV's called them "two-yard" since it is most often about two yards of fabric.).  They serve as skirt or dress.  But as Dara told me about them, I saw they served as so much more.

Dara gave me some beautiful fabric from Ghana to make my own two-yard (which, let's be honest, was more than two and a half, closer to three, but hey, that's part of the beauty, you cut enough to fit YOU!).  It took me a while to get into the habit of wearing it.  I often remembered to wrap it around at home, over my sweats or yoga pants, because it gave me another warm layer.

But Dara had told me that the two-yard was also used as a towel, a money holder, a sleeping mat, and could be used as many other things.  Since I don't have much of a use for it as a money holder, towel, or sleeping mat, I just smiled and nodded.

Then, one cold weekend when Dara and Sarah P and I were up at my dad's to go to the shooting range, we found another use for it--a scarf!  We wrapped it around someone's neck (I don't remember if it was me or Sarah P) and it helped keep the cold out.  There's a use they might not think of in Ghana.

I also realized that the fabric was so very pretty, that if I paired it with a nice top, I could wear it as a skirt.  Plus, I could still wear shorts or yoga pants underneath, making me even more comfy!

I started packing at least one of my two-yards (I know have two, with fabric for two more!) on trips.  Trips around town (I might get cold, or I might want to get comfy), trips across the country (I took my red two-yard through Yellowstone, used it as a blanket in the car for when my dad decided to kick up the AC), and pretty much always think about it now.

On this last camping trip, I took both of my two-yards, and they came in super handy.  The first night in the woods it was cold and clammy, and my head was freezing.  I can't sleep under the covers because I get panicked that I can't breath.  But the two yard worked nicely to cover the top of my head, close up the open spaces around my shoulders, and didn't make me feel closed in at all.  During the week, I used it as a head cover, a shawl, a blanket, and a pillow.  Later, when we were at a friend's house, and I didn't want to dirty my last remaining clean pair of jeans (which I wanted to wear the next day), I used my second two-yard (still clean as well!) as a skirt.  It was perfect.

And I'm not the only one who has discovered two-yards.  Brenda, another friend, was on a hike with Dara.  At some point, Brenda's shorts ripped.  Thankfully, Dara had a two-yard handy, and Brenda was able to complete the hike wrapped in the comforts of fabric, instead of having to go on in ripped shorts!

So, do you want a two-yard yet?  It's cheap to make, easy to care for (they wash just like a sheet, and the best fabric is just cotton prints, which they have some fun ones out there!), and uber-useful.  I like to hem mine up so they last longer.  To use it as a skirt, you just wrap it around then roll down the top (which secures it).  Run now and make yourself a two-yard today.  You'll be amazed at how often you use it!

(photo-me wearing my two-yard as a skirt. Photo credit to Mary Burklin.)

headed to heaven...

No, I'm not on my last leg here on earth.  But I am headed for heaven.  At least a tiny pocket that got left here on earth.  It's time to head to the hills near Yellowstone for my family camping trip.  I haven't gone since 2009, so I'm really excited.  Last year, we did the tourist thing and went through Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons--it was wonderful.  But I'm ready to get back to the river. I'm ready for my hammock.  I'm ready to fish and relax. 

In other news, the 2012 Moot (the annual gathering of CleanPlacers) went off with nary a hitch.  It was a lovely time.  We were back at Bear Trap Ranch (which is truly home) and we had a great group. 

And to update you on my weight loss progress, I'm at 15.5 pounds lost!  And that was being "off plan" for the entire Moot!  I think my body is finally getting the hang of losing weight.  And I felt much better up at 11,000+ feet this year.  Being 15 pounds lighter and eating healthy food has some good results!

And now I'm going to go stare at the dryer until it finishes my last load, so I can put the few items I still need into my bag, throw it in the car, and then I can sleep!