in the nick of time...

Time for another honest report on my life.

As you know, I hit bottom, or a bottom (I'm sure I could go lower, but it was a low point either way). And faithwise, I was just sitting there, in the cold and dark, waiting. Turns out there's an odd sort of peace when you are in such a place, one I did not expect. When you are all done trying, when you aren't clinging to a rope for all you are worth, well, you can relax. Your situation hasn't changed, just how you are responding. It was interesting, to say the least.

Part of my bottom was not having a job and being at the end of my finances. Despite applying all over, I had nothing. And then I got an email. It was offering me a chance to apply for a full-time position for a job I had lots of skills and experience in (phone work). But I got the email on a Sunday night, and he wanted a response by Saturday night, the day BEFORE. I was crushed.

Then I figured it couldn't hurt to respond. So I answered all his questions, sent him a note saying I hadn't received it before Saturday, but that I would still like to be considered if possible.

Then it was in God's hands. And let me tell you, I prayed. I had friends pray. And I was strangely calm about it. I figured that if God wanted me to have the job, it would take him opening the door.

Well, long story short, the door opened. And after a phone interview, an in-person interview, observing the job, and a second round of interviews today, I was offered the position.

I'm still touching bottom--it's going to take sometime to hike out of this hole. But at least now I have provision. I'm not trying to jump on my own, I have a trampoline to help.

Thank you, God, for providing. Nothing like waiting until the very last second--I can see where I get my flair for the dramatic.

And welcome back to the full-time workforce. At least I can wear jeans every day...that should help ease the pain, right?

rope, rock, and a random song...

Remember that rope I was talking about--the frayed, slender one I was holding onto the end of for dear life?

It snapped last week.

And I fell. Not far, because I was pretty much at the bottom of things as it was, but the sudden shock of slamming into a hard surface knocked the wind out of me.

So all last weekend I've been just laying there, on the bottom, not doing anything. There's a sort of peace in knowing you've hit the bottom (even if it turns out to be a false bottom later on), a comfort in knowing at least you got somewhere. It's kinda quiet down here, a bit cold to be sure, but at least I can stop the death grip on a rope that is never going to last. Who would have thought rock bottom would be sorta peaceful?

I'm still struggling with God, or rather, the apparent absence of him. I know he's here, somewhere, because this isn't quite hell. But I don't know where he is, and I'm worn out from searching. So I'm just going to sit here on the bottom for a while, rest up, wait. Give him a chance to find me.

I've spent a lot of time in the last week journaling (for those who know me, you know I only journal when things are really bleak, and that when I journal, I get even bleaker--it's not pretty). And in those pages I've spilled the darkest fears and accusations. I'm glad God is big enough and strong enough to handle them, because they are all I have right now.

And there's a song going through my head (and maybe, if it's not frozen solid, my heart, I'm not sure). It's called Hallelujah (sung by k.d. lang, of all people), (yes, I get the irony, thank you). The lyrics include, "Love is not a victory march / It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah." And later, "It’s not a cry that you hear at night /It’s not somebody who’s seen in the light /It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah."

Right now, the most I can offer is a cold and broken hallelujah. I hope it's enough.

grasping at...

I have several posts in the works, but they are all long and thoughtful and not quite coming together. So instead, how about a bit of a ramble?

I've been thinking a lot lately about doubts, specifically about doubting God. Now, I've never doubted God's existence, nor that he created the universe, that he's in charge, that Jesus is his son, and so on. That part has always been easy for me. I've been a Christian now for over twenty years and as far as knowing God is real, that's solid.

I even have full faith that God will take care of my friends, that he knows what is best, and that in the end, things will all be as he dictates they will. But sometimes along the journey I have periods of doubting that God is going to take care of ME. I've seen his provision in the lives of people I know--the check that comes for just the amount of the house payment the day it's due, the bag of groceries left on the doorstep, those sorts of things. I've seen friends get jobs right when they needed them the most, seen barriers to dreams lifted just when they needed to be. Yet when I am in desperate need of such movements from on high, they don't seem to be around.

I try to trust God to be the provider for me--especially since I'm a single woman equipped with skills and talents that don't earn money. I would love to see God's provision in a tangible way every day--I'd be very thankful for it. Yet in times like these, where I am at the end of funds and every possible light at the end of the tunnel is snuffed out before it's bigger than a pinhole, it's hard for me to believe that God is taking care of me.

Amy Grant (stop cringing, I like her) has a song that puts my struggle into words. It asks, "Will you protect what you already own?" God has me; I am his. That's not in doubt. But sometimes I find myself wondering if he's going to protect me now that he has me (I know, in my mind, that he will, it's the heart that trembles when the lights go out). Every time the door slams in my face, every time I feel shoved closer to the edge of the cliff, I wonder if God's going to catch me. And since he does know me, knows my situation, knows my needs, but is silent about it, and he doesn't open doors, I wonder why.

I know he has his reasons--I just, as usual, wish I understood them.

Despite the doubt, I keep holding on. It's all I know to do. Hold on and wait until he does come through.

I'm not really looking for responses here--just figured that I'd put it out there in stark honesty. Thanks for listening to my waverings.